


Unlovable

by xxDreamy



Series: Malec Flufftober 2019 [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Flufftober, Friends With Benefits, Idiots in Love, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Pain, Rain, Self-Doubt, Tears, wet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-24 13:42:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20908589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxDreamy/pseuds/xxDreamy
Summary: Alec doesn't believe he can love anyone. Magnus doesn't believe he can be loved.They both are wrong.





	Unlovable

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> I'm really thankful there are people who take a moment to read those small fics I wrote! Thank you all for being here! <3
> 
> I hope you'll like this one <3
> 
> D.

“I think we should stop doing it”, Alec breathes out, too anxious to stop his voice from shaking. Magnus puts down the knife he was chopping vegetables with and looks at him, a silent question present in his eyes.

“If that’s what you want”, he tells him, steadily, staring at Alec. “Then okay”

“Okay?”, he stutters out, not sure if he heard correctly. There is something heavy laying on his heart and it takes his ability to breathe.

“Yes, of course it’s okay”, Magnus smiles, his eyes full of honesty. “We both know what kind of arrangement this is and if you’re not comfortable with it anymore, then I’m not going to stop you. Two adults, remember?”, he prompts him and Alec blinks slowly, his mind rushing around all thoughts.

“I think I should go”, he barely forces a small smile on his face and turns around, his chest falling rapidly with every breath. He told himself he is strong enough to do this but it looks like he had no clue how his emotions affect him.

“Alexander”, Magnus says slowly. “Are you okay?”, he asks and Alec doesn’t need to turn around to know he’s kniting his eyebrows right now.

“Yes, of course”, he answers, biting his lip to stop it from trembling. This is so _stupid_, he tells himself, emotions are fucking garbage.

“I don’t want to ask”, Magnus whispers, a scared tone in his voice indicating he already knows and Alec is an idiot. Truly _an idiot._

“I know”, he mutters, tears gathering in his eyes. “But you should know, you’re really not as unlovable as you think”, he confesses and presses the handle to get out of the apartment.

There is a part of Alec that wants to be miserable but there is also this part which was and is well-aware of the outcome he caused. Ten days ago Alec lost Magnus at his own request. No matter how much he regrets it, he knows it was inevitable and destined to happen for a long time. It’s really surprising that they made it work for months.

It started innocently, if that can be a right word to describe it. Alec felt lonely and broken, incapable of any emotions. All of his relationships ended because Alec couldn’t love them. Because there was nothing in his heart. He was cursed. And Magnus… Magnus was gorgeous and wanted nothing more than sex, convinced he can never be loved by anyone. It was a good way to have someone in their lives, with a small bonus which was sex, and a perfect arrangement to avoid feelings. Or so Alec thought. Simple strangers with benefits led off to friends with benefits. With occasional dinners and honest conversations, quick sex changed into long nights which still ended up with an empty bed in the morning. There was only one slip-up Magnus made two months ago and it made Alec’s heart stir for the very first time in over a year.

He stayed the night.

Alec didn’t notice at first, too spent to move, pleasantly and unknowingly cuddled with his lover. It had never happened before and he didn’t even think it could. He woke up in the middle of the night, his hand laying on Magnus’ hip, their legs tangled together. There was a slight second in which he debated between doing and not doing something he still regrets. He remembers how he pulled his hand from under the covers and let his fingers take some strands of Magnus’ hair from his forehead. He remembers the softness of his skin and how his touch brought a small smile on his friend’s face. He remembers how he wrinkled his nose up and how he leaned closer to Alec, hiding himself in his neck.

In this moment he knew he was screwed.

Magnus wasn’t there when he woke up in the morning but the feeling stayed with him, torturing him slowly, making it impossible to forget.

Magnus thought he was unlovable but here Alec was, completely and utterly in love with him. It was a cruel joke his life made him. The only person Alec has ever been able to love didn’t want this love.

A lightning makes his room glow, pulling him out of his thoughts, and Alec prepares himself for a loud thunder, looking at the window which is blurred because of the rainstorm. He barely hears a knock on his door because of its loudness. He gets up from the couch and opens the door, too startled because of an unexpected visitor to check who is behind it.

“Magnus?”, he whispers when his eyes finally recognize a drenched figure in front of his eyes. “Are you okay? You’re completely wet, you’ll get sick”, he splutters, worried, his hazel irises roaming all over the man’s body.

“Alexander”, he chokes out in awe, looking equally shocked as Alec. Before he can make any move to invite him in, because Alec is definitely not so heartless to leave him in a pouring rain, Magnus is all over him, his mouth hot against his own. There are warm tears wetting his cheeks when his friend backs him against the wall like a starved person. Alec pushes him away, his heart beating rapidly in his chest. Magnus doesn’t seem affected by it, his hands find their way to Alec’s face and he cradles it gently, his thumbs nuzzling his earlobes. All air leaves his lungs when he watches Magnus staring at him, his brown eyes wide.

“Magnus, we can’t-”, he stutters out, aware of Magnus’ effect on him. He can’t just touch him like that and expect him to be indifferent after.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry”, he mumbles, resting his forehead against Alec. “I’m so sorry”, he breathes out, his lips dangerously close to Alec.

“You have nothing to be sorry for”, he tells him, words a lump in his throat.

“I let you believe for days that-”, he swallows loudly, his fingers lowering to rest on Alec’s neck. “I didn’t know”

“Magnus-”, he says warningly.

“No, listen to me”, he shakes his head, not breaking their skin contact. “I kept telling myself not to fall in love with you but you- you only made it worse. You became such a constant part of my life and I couldn’t imagine you being gone. You told me you couldn’t love, that you had never had and I was so scared you would leave. Everyone left me, no one has ever loved me enough to stay and you- I knew you thought you couldn’t and it was so much worse. I just wanted you to stay”, he confesses, sniffling. “Do you have any idea how easy it is to fall in love with you?”, he asks him, his eyes fluttering open. Alec looks at him, his heart pounding in his chest.

“I-”, he breathes heavily, his hands shaking when he rests them on Magnus’ hips. He can’t find words. He won’t find words. This is too hard. He leans closer, his lips closing around Magnus’, and he lets himself pour all the emotions into the kiss. He was always better with expressing himself through actions. A small sob escapes from Magnus’ mouth and he pulls himself closer, his body trapping Alec.

_Please, let it be real, please, let it be real_, Alec chants in his head, his lips chasing Magnus like his life depends on it.

“I”, he starts again just to be interrupted by Magnus’ mouth. “Love”, he pants out, his hand reaching Magnus’ cheek, angling it for a better kiss. “You”, he whispers, his forehead flush against Magnus. The man lets out a shallow breath, his palms that are still present on Alec’s neck shake uncontrollably.

“I love you too. I love you too”, he repeats, his fingers brushing Alec’s skin. “It’s real, isn’t it?”, he asks after a second and Alec lets out a breathless laugh, nodding slowly, suddenly speechless. Magnus kisses him again, his arms resting on Alec’s shoulders, pulling him as close as possible.

“You need a shower, come on”, Alec breathes against his lips after a while and Magnus shakes his head, his nose bumping against Alec’s. “I don’t want you to get sick”

“I don’t have any strength to clean myself up so I think I’ll pass”, he tells him, nestling in Alec’s arms.

“Who said you have to, I can take care of it?”, Alec says slowly, leaving a small kiss on Magnus’ head.

“You what?”, he mutters, drawing back, his brown eyes glued to his hazel ones.

“I’m gonna clean you up, no sex, no funny business, just a shower”, Alec convinces him and Magnus beams at him, his hand tightening around his sweater.

“Okay, let’s do that”, he bites his lips, his voice full of disbelief. Alec pecks his mouth and catches his hand, guiding him to the bathroom.

He really needs to show this man he loves him and he needs to teach him how to love himself.


End file.
